April 24, 2011
Tonight is Easter Eve, I have just finished watching episode 5 and 6 of "My Princess." These two episodes made a mark on my mind. The antagonist, Oh Yun Jae (if I'm correct), warned the Imperial Princess, Lee Seol to enjoy every minute of being a princess because its either they will drag her out of her position or she will step down by herself. I realize, "Hey! I am somewhat like Lee Seol; I'm living a life of a princess (though we're not rich). I think of it deeply and I see that though I'm not from a rich family, I AM BLESSED. My parents both don't have any college degree. Most of the times, WE FALL SHORT OF OUR WEEKLY BUDGET. But I'm so blessed that I am given the chance to have MOST OF THE THINGS I WANT.
As I was cleaning my room last Holy Wednesday, I noticed my bed. It's really so comfortable to lie down on it. Then I remember that once, I brought a group of friends here at home during the Christmas Season two years ago. They stayed here overnight. One of them told me, "My I sleep on your bed?" Now I see how lucky I am to sleep on a very soft bed every night.
I also cleaned up my closet that day. It took me three to four hours to remove all the dust and to arrange my clothes by color... (just like that on the color wheel.) Then, I remember one of my thesis-mates told me, "Ang dami-dami mo namang damit, Joanna!" I replied, "Binibigay sakin ng mga pinsan ko yung iba nilang mga damit." She told me, "Ang swerte mo naman!" (I also want to admit it to all others.... Kahit medyo nahihiya akong aminin... Me and my mom love to shop second hand clothes and shoes... Well, you already know what I mean by that.)
The following day, I washed all my rubber shoes and some of my bags... I was so curious how many pair of shoes do i really have at that time. I counted them all. I have 9 pairs of rubber shoes not including the two rubber doll shoes. I have five sandals, one pair of black shoes and another pair of pumps. Then again, I realize, not all people of my age have that plenty of shoes. Most of my rubber shoes are bought by mom whenever she have enough money to buy. Two of them are from Abu Dhabi, from my aung. (To Tita Anchit: Hindi pa po ako nakakapagpasalamat sa mga rubber shoes. Thank you po! Di na po ako hihiling pa sa inyo. Kung meron man po akong ihihiling, sana po kung magbibigay po kayo ulit, wag na lang po sakin, sa mga tao na lang po na mas nangangailangan ng rubber shoes.) One of my sandals were bought by mom's customer (Tita Lulu.) She also gave us lots of pairs of sandals and doll shoes. Her size is 39 while mine is 37-38. One of my doll shoes is from here. Of all those 10 pairs of sandals and shoes she has given my mom recently, only one fits me. (Kung tutuusin nga, malaki pa iyon, nilagyan ko pa ng pampasikip para magkasya.) Two of my bags are also from her. She loves to shop but she doesn't use many of those things she bought kaya pinamimigay na lang. There were times that she gave us two large SM plastic bags full of bags. We don't need such plenty of bags so we chose few and gave them to our relatives.
I did not clean up the bookshelves but when I look up at it, I will see many books. Books that I needed for my course... Some of them were handed over from my elder cousin and now I am the next one to use them. Some of them are already outdated but I always keep them at the shelf because I have always this feeling not to throw anything easily. They might be useful to me in the future. (To Tita Inday: Salamat po sa mga review books at sa iba pa!)
Now as I write about the review books. I remember my scholarship benefactor. This last school year, as I receive my yearly stipend, I bought some review books at Recto... Ang dami kong nabili! I know that I receive a fair share for my studies but I admit, hindi naman talaga ganun kalaki yung natatanggap ko, sapat lang yun pangbayad sa tuition at mga libro sa school for the whole school year. I just receive it every Christmas season kaya kung tutuusin, hindi ko naman ito nagagamit para sa pang-araw-araw na baon o kung ano man na babayarin sa school. It is through my mom's hardship that I am able to pay all dues from school at yung pang-araw-araw na baon... Since I only receive it once a year, I always pay the telephone bill for that month, give my mom some money, sometimes, my kapatid also, buy all of my family members Christmas presents (clothes, usually) and groceries for the Christmas Season. (I just remember! I kept most of the receipts of all the things i bought from my scholarship grant... Also, the ATM receipts.) At the end, when my money are all spent, napapatingin na lang ako sa mga resibo ng mga pinagbibili ko at mga binayaran ko. Minsan nga, sa sobrang frustration ko sa kung gano kabilis naubos ang pera ko, napapakwenta na lang ako. At firts, I regret it. (Sobrang daming gastos!) But in the end, tanggap ko naman. I just think, "At least, di naman sa kung anu-ano lang naubos ang pera."
Now as I turn my head to the left, I see my laptop on the study table... Another thing to be thankful! Kung ako lang, di ako makakaipon ng sapat na halaga ng pera para makabili ng laptop. (Kagagaling ko lang kanina sa Cyberzone ng SM Marikina at nakita ko kung gano kamahal ang laptop... Pinakamura na yung 32k... Yung netbook naman mahal din... One that is the same size of my spiral writing notebook costs about 20k. Ang liit-liit, ang mahal-mahal! Take note: sale pa ito ng lagay na ito...) (To Uncle Steve: Thank you po sa laptop! =) )
Now as I write here on the study table, I noticed my cellphone (a Nokia 6300 from Tita Inday), naalala ko naman yung kasaysayan ng mga cellphone ko.
(I suddenly paused for a while... May nagising... I don't want anybody to see what I'm writing especially when I'm not finished yet.)
Tuloy tayo...
The history of my cellphones...
My first cellphone is Nokia 3300 from Uncle Bombie. (Binigay niya samin nung nag-migrate sila ng Canada)... The second one is Sony Ericsson T300 ata... Again, from Uncle Bombie when he had a vacation here for some weeks... The next one is again, from Uncle Bombie, LG 2000 from Canada... Wew!! Now, here's my Nokia 6300 from Tita Inday... All my life I haven't bought a cellphone for myself... Ilang beses ko nang plinana pero di ko natutupad... (Uncle Bombie, Thank you po sa lahat, di lang po sa mga cellphone, pati na rin po sa iba pang tulong, lalo na po yung para sa kapatid ko!)
Just went to the CR for a while...
I saw our desktop computer... It's from Uncle Steve! Our first computer is an Intel Celeron... Naalala ko pa na kapag nagbu-boot yung computer na iyon, nakikito ko yung 8008 sa ilalim banda ng Energy Star logo which made me think that we have the first models of computer kasi naaalala ko noong Grade 4, itinuro samin yung history ng computers... Ang alam ko, yun yung unang labas... Siguro mali ako kasi di ba black and white yung mga unang computers... We bought it for 10k - 12k from Tita Anchit (not sure of the price.) Now I'm proud to tell everybody na sulit na sulit yung computer na iyon. Pinag-ingatan namin iyon dahil hanggang ngayon gumagana pa.... It is now running on Windows XP (previously Windows 98.) At ngayon napapakinabangan pa nila Kuya Bandong. As we transferred here in Antipolo, Uncle Bombie left us his computer. It was Pentium II running on Windows ME initially... I remember the time when it rained so hard at ang lakas ng kidlat.. Sa sobrang lakas, tinamaan yung modem noon. Sa kasawiang-palad, I can't remember what happened to that computer... Later, after few years, Uncle Bombi returned from Canada for a vacation... Together with him is a CPU (small-size... like an AVR...) That was our next computer... Well, due to overusage, nasira at nasunog yung ilang parts sa loob and since most of those parts are built-in, kinailangan pa naming ipaayos kay Oh-Ben, Koreanong may-ari ng surplus computer shop sa lagpas ng Sta. Lucia... Kamalas-malasan, it didn't stayed up too long. Nasira din agad... Our last resort at that time was to buy a secondhand computer at Oh-Ben... A computer is badly needed at that time... Well, we spent about 1-1.5K para sa secondhand. Its not that costly because we used our old processor, hard drives and RAMs from the small-size CPU... After a year, nagloko na ang computer namin. Buti na lang, here's Ate Nene to the rescue... She lent us the PC of the late Kuya Larry. Maganda naman ang tatak and 'till now, gumagana pa... Medyo nagloloko-loko lang din noon...
The time when Uncle Steve stayed here during his vacation, maybe he noticed madalas humuni ang CPU na ginagamit namin (the one from Kuya Larry.) It's because madalaing makalog or nagloloko lang talaga yung isang hard drive niya...
On his second vacation, he bought us a Christmas gift, a computer set... At first, I was so anxious to use or even hold it... Para akong bumalik noong Grade 4, na-technophobia sa paghawak ng computer... (To Uncle Steve, Uncle Bombie, Ate Nene at Tita Anchit: Thanks sa lahat ng mga CPU at PCs na naging parte ng buhay ko.) Without all of them, it would be hell for me to do all the school works at siguro dutdut operation pa rin ako sa pagtatype lalo na noong case study ko sa AudTheories, halos di na ko natulog... Maghapon magdamag sa tapat ng computer...
By the way, one more thing to be thankful is having the chance to live here in Antipolo. Napaka-peaceful although maingay sila Aling Lourdes.. OK na OK dito kaysa sa Caloocan... Magulo na daw doon ngayon... Most girls of my age, nagsipag-asawa na raw... Siguro kung dun pa kami, baka napariwara na kaming magkapatid.
Now, I felt how blessed I am...
My name is JOANNA.
My brother's name is JHOHAN.
JOANNA is the female variant of JOHN.
JHOHAN is another variant of JOHN.
All of these names mean "GOD IS GRACIOUS"
(I know my brother also have many graces and blessings to be thankful)
Siguro nga, it is really what it means (my name)
Sa totoo lang, I'm so afraid of my future, especially pag tapos ko sa pag-aaral lalo na't matagal-tagal pa ang aantayin ko para i-recognize ako ng PUP as graduate. Nakakatakot; baka mahirapan ako makahanap ng trabaho dahil di pa ko graduate. BUT I KNOW, WITH GOD'S GRACE, ALAM KONG MAKAKAHANAP DIN AKO.
Lately, I have been grieving so much on this largest tragedy of my life... not to graduate on time... I noticed, ako ang pinakahuling naka-move-on sa amin ng mga classmates ko... Masyado kong itinuon yung pag-iisip ko sa mga bagay na wala ako, na di ko napansin lahat ng meron ako.
I'm so grieving that I even thought na sana hindi na lang ako sa PUP nag-aral... Sana sa iba na lang...
Masyado kong itinutok ang sarili ko sa negative things. That I forgot that GOD IS GRACIOUS TO ME... Ang dami Niyang binigay sa akin... Ang dami kong dapat ipagpasalamat... Hindi lang yun g mga materyal na bagay na natanggap ko kundi yung pinakaimportante sa lahat... ANG PAMILYA...
For all those years I've been living in hatred because I felt that my family wasn't treated well by my relatives... Ganun siguro talaga... We need to humble ourselves... I admit, hindi pa rin ako nakakalimot at lubos na nakakapagpatawad pero I'M SO PROUD AND HAPPY TO SAY THAT MY HEALING PROCESS IS AT MORE THAN 50%
Naisip ko lang din, masyado ako nakatingin sa mga negative side ng mga kamag-anak namin, di ko nakita yung positive side... Kung tutuusin, we are not perfect because we are all humans... lahat naman tayo may di magandang ugali. kahit ako...
I have been so timid about this pero this is the right time to say thank you to all my relatives for all the support..
NOTE: I do not intend to create or have misunderstandings between my family and my relatives... please understand me if I will not tell you all those things that made me hate my relatives... I WILL NOT DISCUSS ANY OF IT KAHIT KAILAN... To some who know some of those things, I ask you all, PLEASE KEEP QUIET... AYAW KO NA PONG MAPAG-USAPAN LAHAT YAN... PAST IS PAST AND BESIDES, I AM REALLY MOVING ON...
Please understand me if I always remain timid or silent during family gatherings or when you're near me... It takes time for me to put my trust in showing myself... It is not that I am annoyed by your presence... IT IS BECAUSE I AM SHY... Alam niyo naman yun...
Pasensya na kayo.
I'm a person of few words but lots to say...
Dinadaan ko lang sa pagsusulat...
To all my friends, classmates and schoolmates: pasensya na kyo kung hindi kayo masyadong na-emphasize dito but all of you have done a big part in my life.
Higit sa kanino pa man, kayo ang naging karamay ko noong mga panahong down na down ako. Kayo ang higit na nakakaintindi sakin dahil kahit papano'y parehas tayo ng mga pinagdaanan at pinagdadaanan.
All those years that I have thought and taught things about being positive. Mukhang ngayon ko lang maisasabuhay ng totoo ito sa sarili ko...
I encourage you all to read these books which have always been a big help to me:
BEING HAPPY! - Andrew Matthews
CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE SOUL: 101 STORIES TO OPEN THE HEART AND REKINDLE THE SPIRIT
Also try using this facebook app --> Today, God wants you to know...
- big help sakin sa araw-araw kong pamumuhay...
I'm so happy right now kasi the HOLY WEEK REALLY LIGHTENED ME UP... Kahit hindi ko sumunod sa mga tradisyon ng pagtitika at pagkarelihiyoso... Maybe God touches every person's life at the spark of the moment... And now He touched mine....
I'm so thankful!
Sobrang sakit nung pinagdaanan ko lately but I think it's part of God's way to wake me up... Napakarami kong narealize after those tragic days... Truly, God knows the right way for me!
Mga Kawikaan 3:5-6
Tumiwala ka sa Panginoon ng buong puso mo
At huwag kang manalig sa iyong sariling kaunawaan:
Kilalanin mo Siya sa lahat ng iyong mga lakad
At kanyang ituturo ang iyong mga landas
Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
I saw the English version of this Bible verse sa TV nitong Holy Thursday or Good Friday...
Nakito ko lang iyon habang napadaan ako sa tapat ng TV...
Kaninang umaga, I prayed to God na bigyan Niya ako ng kaliwanagan and tonight He answered my prayer...
This has been a very big turning point in my life...
Thank you for sparing some time to read this...
Salamat!
OK. Its already 12:30am...
~revisions and proofreading~
1:05am
~Tapos na rin sa wakas! Typing na lang! This is now my start! A fresh start! From now on, I will do my best TO SEE POSITIVE SIDE OF THINGS AND TO TRUST GOD ON THE PATH HE GAVE ME.~
1:15
~Good Mornight!~
~4 hours in the making~
